Renewal

How have you experienced renewal? Metaphorically maybe, after the loss of a loved one or a divorce. The picture painted below played out over months or even years. Or maybe it isn’t all just metaphor and you physically experience parts of this every time fear and panic set in.

What did renewal mean for you then and what does it mean for you now?

I don’t remember feeling the flowers and grass under my feet as I moved seamlessly through them, gliding and floating above a field of bursting colors without disruption. The sky glowed raspberry on one horizon and moved into lighter shades of pink higher in the sky until it was almost white directly above my head then turned to a light shade of blue that grew deeper until it became a beautiful sapphire glow on the opposite horizon. It seemed there was more than one sun rising and setting.

And in a darkness that didn’t dim the colors in the field, I saw what seemed to be millions of fireflies light up the space just above the blossoms in a light show so spectacular I stopped moving. My breath slowed and I could feel my chest moving as if in slow motion as the air fell in and out. I couldn’t look away.

After standing there for what seemed like more time than I was worthy of, birds began to sing and I acknowledged that I had never felt as happy and at peace as I did in that moment. I exhaled fully, feeling every limb tingle with pure joy.

With every sense stimulated, I closed my mouth to inhale the scents of flowers and grasses but found nothing. No smell, no air. I was suddenly unable to breath as if there was no air left. As if I had used my share. Blood rushed to my head and adrenaline to my heart making it pound through my chest. The light was growing faint, turning my images to black and white. The fireflies were suddenly gone, the singing turned to silence and in a second I saw the flowers dry up and shrivel on their stems.

I felt faint as suffocation set in. Suddenly, the air grew colder and seeped into my chest. I found enough oxygen to think clearly for a moment. I paused, wondering if this would be my last breath. How long could I last if it was,? How long would it be until my next?

I feared letting go of it and held on as long as I could until finally I could hold it no more and I exhaled. But it wasn’t just that last breath that I exhaled, it was every breath I had ever taken. I felt every inch of my body releasing something – so much that it burned the back of my throat and became visible coming from my mouth and spreading across the field. It blew the dried up petals off the flowers and into the air until only empty stems remained. I could feel the energy being sucked out of me until every bit was gone and I had nothing left.

I was exhausted physically and emotionally but was breathing again, short simple breathes. My hands rested on my knees and my eyes focused on stems just below my feet. I moved to stand straight again and lost my footing. I heard only crunching below my feet as they readjusted.

And then, on the horizon, I saw the glow of another sun rising.

 

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